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‘Restless, irritable and discontent’ – when I read those words, I could finally communicate how I had felt my entire life. I had never been able to name my emotions before and had spent the best part of 20 years suppressing them, but those words explained exactly how I had felt my entire life, since childhood, before I had even put a drink or a drug inside of me. My name is Bobby and I am an addict. The drug that brought me to my knees was powdered cocaine, and I will always be forever grateful that it did, because when I was finally broken, my journey in life finally began. I was brought up in the East End of London during the 90s and for who I now know is a very sensitive boy, that was a tough place to be. A very masculine and violent environment, two things I am not. As a child, I was always consciously aware of everything, painfully so, aware of what you might be thinking of me, aware of what I needed to say and do in order to fit in. I did not know it then, I did not know it for 38 years, but thanks to the education I have been given, I know now that I was riddled with fear. I still can be at times. Ease and comfort, that is what I sought and my first joint gave me that. I came home, greened out and threw up everywhere, but the next day I wanted to try it again. Never let it be said that addicts are not a determined bunch. If my friends and I couldn’t get any, they would be fine about it. Me? I would be heartbroken. By 18, I had had my first line of cocaine and the game was on. I will always remember my first line. On holiday. I walked into that toilet feeling meek and mild, like Clarke Kent, I sniffed that line and BOOM, I came out of the toilet cubicle like Superman. I was filled with a sense of euphoria and confidence. They call alcoholism/addiction – ‘the rapacious creditor’ – would I still have taken that first line had I known that 20 years later, it would rob me of absolutely everything, that I would become utterly powerless, that I would end up stealing my mums bank card from her purse, that it would take me right to the edge of suicide so many times? Today – I can honestly say I am glad it did. Weird huh? Na, that’s recovery. I am 5 years clean and sober as I write this. I am also the most happy and peaceful person that I know. Why?? Wow – it would take me an entire book to explain that miracle, but to whittle it down, I finally surrendered, I reached out for help, I entered a 12 step fellowship – and for the first time in my life, I did what I was f*cking told!! I attended meetings, I got a sponsor, I embarked on the journey of the 12 steps with the same zealousness that I showed in my drug using and I had the spiritual awakening that I was promised would occur if I followed the Steps as suggested, in the order that they are written. I did not cure my addiction, my addiction is who I am. What I have is a daily reprieve contingent on my staying in fit spiritual condition, by using the tools I have been shown, every single day. One day at a time. I am protected, I am safe, I am free. If you have told me 5 years ago that God would be the most important central fact of my life today, I probably would have pitied you and thought you were very well meaning, but I don’t know if I would have believed you. I would like to hope that I would have. I was never an atheist I don’t think anyone truly is, not deep deep down. As my book tells me, ‘deep down inside every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God’ – and in the final analysis, when I was completely and uttered smashed, cornered by an enemy so powerful I could not escape, the truth is I got down on my knees and I begged for help. My prayers were answered. In abundance. I sniffed cocaine at intermittent periods through out my life from 18 to 38, I drank alcohol and smoked a shit ton of weed as well, sometimes it was even amazing…but…when I tried to stop on my own accord and realised I couldn’t… no matter how hard I tried… I was f*cking terrified. Untreated alcoholism/addiction beat me into the ground, time and time again. It was like that motherfucker knew jui jitsu, for every move I made, therapy, counsellors, Drs, even hypnotherapy, that drug would take me down at the knees and put me to sleep with another choke hold. The deluded notion that I could one day be able to have a couple of drinks and a little bit of gear drove me absolutely insane. It turned me into a liar, a cheat, a thief and a coward, the car crashes, arrests and being section did not stop me. Going thru the 12 steps was a revelation for me, a revolution occurred within my mind, my psyche and my soul as a result of going thru a psychological and spiritual process that indelible changed me. Today, I would not sniff a line of cocaine if you paid me a million pounds, there have been beers in my fridge that have been there for two years, I have not the slightest desire or temptation to drink them. I have been restored to sanity by a power far greater than me. I know I can’t have a sip of that beer, because if I do, I will set off a phenomenon of craving inside of my body and mind that will be so powerful, I will be unable to resist having another. I will have an allergic reaction (which means to have an abnormal response) inside my body which will make me thirst for more, and I will develop an obsession of the mind so powerful, that I will be unable to differentiate the truth from the false and I will convince myself that another one won’t hurt. After a few beers I will think that getting some cocaine sounds awfully attractive and within a matter of weeks I reckon, I will once again be using every day and in a state of shame and self pity so deep that I reckon this time I would kill myself. Today I don’t want to die, in fact I want to live as long as I possibly can and take steps to try to help with that process. I try to look after ‘little Bob’ - my inner child, the child in me that I promised to make amends to every single day during my Step 9 amends, when it became obvious during my Step 4 that I was harbouring so much hatred and resentment towards myself. During that process, I also made amends to my family too. Today, I love myself. My family love me and I love them. They know I can be trusted, relied upon, that I am consistent, disciplined and a man of my word. I try to be more thoughtful, I try to be more kind and loving, I try to tame my pride and ego, I try to help others, I try to be more spiritual, I try not to be a cunt. But when I am, my conscience kicks in and I quickly apologise. These are the principles I am to live by every day, if I am to stay spiritually fit, and therefore, under the protection and grace of God. ‘God’ – whatever that is, keeps me sane. It keeps me aware of the fact that the only thing I cannot do in this life is drink and take drugs. Whilst we are talking of such a grand concept, let me tell you how my faith developed. I have always been agnostic, so selling the idea to me may have come slightly easier than to say, an atheist, but in the end, if you’d have told me that eating a dogshit sandwich was going to help me stop taking drugs, I would have asked for two. Instead, they told me to pray. I concept a lot easier to swallow and so I did. My journey, like yours, is experiential. I cannot give you my experience – you have to have your own, but I trusted that the people in the Rooms of my fellowship all believed in ‘something’ and it was working for them. So I did what they told me. Any lurking vestiges of pride were gone. Thru out the process of going thru the Steps, I had multiple spiritual experiences. The feeling of sense and peace when I finally surrendered and begged God for help, I was swept and overcome by the feeling and sense that everything was going to be okay. I had another when I did my Step 4 and 5 and realised that it was all my fault! Ha! – My whole life I had blamed everyone and everything else for my woes. It was a revelation to me to learn that I was the chief culprit. What a sense of empowerment to know that I didn’t need the world to change, I couldn’t possibly ever achieve that - but changing myself? Maybe, just maybe I could manage that. I could go on and on, like the feeling of another addicts eyes light up, when I show him how to do exactly what my sponsor showed me, and watch him have his own spiritual awakening as he recovers from a terrifying drug addiction. To see him regain his family. I am not responsible for that, God is – but to have helped along the way produces an enormous feeling of usefulness and self esteem. Today, my life has purpose…all of the pain and suffering is worthwhile, because it allows me to connect with another addict in the way no Dr, therapist or family member can. My conception of ‘God’ and it is my conception, we are all encouraged to find our own -- has changed probably 5 times in the 5 years that I have been getting well, My Higher Power first started as The Universe and Nature, a loved one in Heaven, I have Hindu tattoos and I read the Bible. I have arrived at this conclusion personally, ‘God’ is just Love. The practice of practising Love. I love myself, but I also love you, I try to be as loving as possible and I find that if I do that, the world tends to love me back. Every morning as soon as I wake up, I write a gratitude list. Pen and paper, I fill an A4 page every single day without fail. Writing down all of the things I appreciate in my life shifts my default setting of ‘negative miserable fearful bastard’ into ‘cheerful, optimistic, hopeful Bobby’. I then close my eyes and pray, I give thanks. I give thanks to ‘whatever it is out there that saved my life’, I give thanks for everything in my life today – because I was woken up, given a new perspective, and now I can see how beautiful it all is. Then I meditate. I spend time quietening my errant mind, I slow down the merry go round and I centre my thinking – I think about what I have to day that day, because that’s all I need to worry about – that day. That is all I have. That golden hour in the morning sets the tone for the rest of my day and I leave the house feeling peaceful, I know I am not in control and that is such a relief, all I have to do is try to do the next right thing, and go with the flow. See today, I know that I am not the one running the show, God is. They say a beautiful life is a series of beautiful days all strung together. I have gotten to live two lives this time around. One full of pain, misery, suffering, trauma, resentment, fear and sorrow – and another filled with light, beauty, laughter, kindness and hope. I know which one I prefer. If you are suffering with addiction, if when you start you can’t stop or if you do stop then you can’t stay stopped, I’d say this…please please please ask for help – and get yourself to a 12 step meeting, you are not alone. You never were. There are people at those meetings that will love you until you can learn to love yourself, they will show you the steps to take to find out who you really are. Your life isn’t over. It’s just about to begin. Yours sincerely, Bobby (Addict)